Bedtime Blues

When it comes to getting up in the morning... The piercing sound of my alarm causes my heart to skip a beat. The sun blazing through the blinds disorients me for a brief minute. The snooze button just seems so tempting. But then, the flood of thoughts begins to rush through my brain.

Exactly how many minutes can I lie here before I'll be late for class? Or do I have work this morning? Am I going to miss the bus to campus? Did I remember to do all my homework last night? It's not daylight savings yet is it? 

And just like that, I get a big good morning from Anxiety. I lie in bed staring at the ceiling for a few more moments, before I finally jump out of my bed in a panic. And so the day begins.

I always wonder what gets other people up in the mornings, what their motivation is to get through the day. Sometimes I just want to sleep the day away. Other times, I get a spontaneous burst of energy to do anything everything. But, consistency is greatly lacking in my life as of late. 

What to do today... I asked myself this everyday for the last week, due to the fact that my summer classes hadn't started yet. One day may not seem like a very long time, but when there's no one in town, no homework to be done, and an empty apartment with no roommate before me, time seems to stand still.

Napping and Netflix seemed to be the most popular options lately, so my days drifted by one by one, and I felt like I was in some kind of cloudy haze. Now I generally don't like to waste time, and I feel like television and sleep does just that, but the struggle between sleeping or being productive is something I constantly battle with as a student.

Sleep. Study. Social Life. These are really the only major options once you enter the world of college. The catch though, is you can only pick two. This sounds like it would make life simpler, but in fact, it does the opposite. 

My mood changes like the weather. I feel like I am constantly riding a roller coaster of emotions, which I'm sure is something many others can attest to. I never know what mood tomorrow will bring. Will I feel like I can conquer the world and no one can stop me, or will the walk to the bathroom seem like I'm taking on Mt. Everest?

Sometimes, I just want to sleep through the day. Other times, I can't wait to get my day started. Sometimes, I just want to be alone in my apartment. Other times, I simply can't stand the silence. Sometimes, I just want to study for hours. Other times, the sight of a book makes me panic.

Everyone always says that college will be the best four years of your life, but what they don't tell you, is that sometimes it can feel like the worst. You're on your own for the first time. You don't have parents watching your every move and micromanaging your every decision. You can do what you want when you want, or not do it at all. But, with this freedom, comes the burden of responsibility. 

Responsibility. What does it really mean anyway? Well, Merriam-Webster says it's the quality or state of being reliable, trustworthy; moral, legal, or mental accountability. 
Sounds kinda intimidating to me...

Being independent and responsible sounded exciting at first, but as the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years, I started to realize just how hard it truly is. There are bills to be paid, money that needs to be made, jobs to be hunted for, chores to be done. And the most daunting part, a lot of the time, you're all on your own.  

Sure in reality my parents and friends are a phone call away if I need them. But in the summertime, when everyone goes home, my calls become less frequent and my friends become more distant.

Dealing with the summertime sensation of loneliness that comes with living on my own, is something I think I'll leave for my next post. But just to give a preview, it all comes down to how you think. 

So I'm going to leave you with this quote. Until next time...

"The best way to be happy with someone is to learn to be happy alone. That way the company will be a matter of choice, and not false necessity."

Carpe Diem,
Marian